mantissa, the maniac

ok. now schools’ getting pretty intense. intense, as in learn-c-sharp-in-6-days intense. i somehow have kept up. despite my abject misery and tenacious illness for the past 3 weeks or so. my poor nose still has some damage to heal and i think my acidic gut is finally settling down. and that miserable awful feeling of post-cocaine crashing has finally dissipated.

now for the foreseeable future i must wrestle with the addiction demon. i am an addict. every minute of every day. i failed myself. and spent my last $10 on weed. why? compulsion. i am an addict. i did not really want to spend my last $10 for a week on drugs. but i did. i failed. myself. i am trying to claim a small success for myself, on that front, by unveiling my struggle, here, for you all [who choose to look] to see.

so … what’s with me? it often feels like an upstream swim to feel … normal … acceptable … whatever. i get along with everyone superficially – at work … college … here in the building. no problems. still … i just am not really a magnet for anyone. i suppose that’s just not who i am and i oughta stop comparing myself to others, who seem so much more vibrant … together .. cohesive … likeable … than me. what do i know, really, about what its like to be you – from the inside out? who am i to judge? right? but … truth be told, many times i feel like the dude in the comic (see widebar – beneath the header – right hand side of page).

well, forge ahead … is my motto … and, also – remember patience. with self. and, also – measure myself not by the reactions of others, but by some internally guided parameters. meaning – take people and life and society @ large where they’re all at, as opposed to pointing out and bitching about every little flaw i see or feel. i remember the words – i heard them, often: “… remove the plank from your own eye before you remove the splinter from someone else’s …” [something like that]. its a struggle. one i have failed at recently. i apologize to self and … all of humanity whom i have touched.

like this blog? i mean – the design? cool, huh? i am proud of the header. made it myself. and its clickable too. you will hafta wait until i get a few moments to make some more how-to posts in my NERD blog. i am amazed, and proud, when i think of how blogger.com has changed my life. it really was instrumental in my new career choice. and – sheesh! – i am ever learning a sh!tload of stuff about HTML and CSS and even a little JAVA. whoa. my next self-assigned project will be too design my own style sheet.

i feel generous toward those with whom i have blogged for the greater part of the past year. i have been bitchy and miserable sometimes and just downright unpleasant to be around. perhaps the offer of template tweaks could serve as a gesture of good will? well, there. i have made the offer. and … it’s sincere. for those of you dinosaurs who have not switched over to the NEW blogger, here’s a carrot for y’all. switch over (remember, tho to copy your CLASSIC template and paste into Notepad and save it – so you can keep your links, and custom sidebar stuff) and i will tweak it for you – custom header, and all. even if you are already on the NEW blogger, the tweak offer stands. really.

well, i gotta get ready for work. i wish you all a good weekend.

this weekend, when i am not taking inventory at the GAP or at cotton ginny i am suppose to be writing some c-sharp code for a web application that’s really a project and that’s due on monday. i wasted hours this afternoon fussing over exception errors that got thrown when i tried to compile the first module of my application in visual studio. that’s me, with OCD, fixating over some syntax and semantics errors when i should be writing some more code.

some crazy chick i am! …. “… she’s a maniac, maniac ….”

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~ by frizzyscissorhands on February 17, 2007.

8 Responses to “mantissa, the maniac”

  1. HELLOOOOOOOOOO

    I gotta go sleepytime now, come back to check you out later mantissa

    where is mandingo??

  2. hey girlfriend. y’know, i just love your new profile pic @ myspace. simply … lovely.

    mandingo? you mean the doc? he’s around …

  3. Last year my sister gave me 2 Aloe Vera plants- off shoots of her giant Aloe Vera “momma” plant.

    One has done well- the other, which was one shelf lower than the other- has not thrived. It’s laying on it’s side- leaves turning brown…looks pitiful.
    I’ve moved it to another location in the house- but I’m not sure it will ever be the healthy plant it’s mom or sister are.

    This one plant came into the world- and didn’t get all the things it needed- and I wonder if it can ever be fixed…I wonder if it will ever be able to stand upright on it’s own- without support or props. It may never be like the other plants- but even so…even if it lays on it’s side- if it grows…the aloe inside of it is still good.

    I thought of that plant when I read your post this morning friend…about the addictions, and the frustraion with yourself. And while I know that the traumas of the past can not be a crutch for unhealthy choices in the future- the past brought great harm to a growing child-
    which is much harder to fix, or heal, than a little aloe vera plant.
    There is lots that is good inside you- and many things you have done right. Where you struggle with your weakness- I also see great strength- resolve- and determination to “forge ahead”.

    My little plant just looks to me to fix it…or it will die.

    If it had 10% of the will you have- it would have overtaken my house by now.

    I just wanted you to know what I see in you…

    All my best to you 🙂

  4. thanx for your kind words, mayden. and for the visit to this blog. i have been really quite underserving of both … but i am glad you came all the same.

    i am seeing that holding onto all the pain and suffering of the past is pointless. life is today – right now. and i must live it or not. i choose to live.

    the swim is an upstream one – but perhaps it is for everyone at times. i thank you for your friendship, despite my misery.

    i hope you will come back …

    enjoy your weekend!

  5. well, once i stopped paying bills for the sake of buying weed, and was borrowing money for the sake of weed and was basically NOT traveling the world or buying fabulous leather boots because I was spending thousands of dollars a year on weed

    Weed done pissed me off

    and we ain’t never been friends since.

    So that’s how I roll now.

    When i want something, I buy it, because it ain’t weed, so I can have it. It works well for me.

  6. i hear you, infini … loud and clear. i tell myself – its just dumb to risk subsisting just to get high. its a compulsion. i strange and sick one. but … oh i dunno.

    i hate being broke. i hate being at the mercy of my compulsions. and i also hate being an angry, miserable sh!t. there’s the rub.

  7. “whiiit wheeew!” ( daz’ a whistle..) coool bloggy dee’ doo’ once again ( looking looking all around your bloggy’ home!)…

    tried to click on your other bloggy’ from your comment at Maydens but couldn’t get through..I so..thoooought I’d lost you ( waaa’..sniff!..sniff! )…Remember you are the very very very first bloggy’ person to comment on me’ bloggy’ home and you mean so much to me…I know we dunno’ in other in meaty space..but you’re here ( pounding heart!)..coz’ yo’ve seen me through a lot of bloggies..and I am sooo embarrassed to remember some of the stuff I wrote there which you read for sure..gawd….the pure sublime dramatics of me…he!he!..You’ve seen me morph..and hide..and reveal me’self again…and I read yah’ coz’ you put into words some things I can’t spew…and ya’..life can be a $%#&^%..at least that’s how I feel right now..but reading ya’ here made me smile real biggy’..and so now I feel like I can smile on…

    I am really so glad to see ya’ here!..sniiiff..and hugs so tight!

  8. luxie ….

    OMG!! i had totally forgotten that i was the first person every to comment in your blog. but …. now i remember. hee hee. you, also, are among the core group that has seen me thru so many morphs, running away, then changing and coming back. over and over again.

    i think also you were the first to make a comment in my blog, too. ha. and how’d you find me? i dunno. serendipitous, just a little?

    i wish you a week filled with sunshine, and successes.

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