the blindness of abundance

an eagle in brackendale, british columbia
photo by living wilderness and found on flickr

[NB: part 2 of silver harbour will return tomorrow …
this post, inspired by AUNTY,
just demanded itself and so i share it with you.]

“I’se wearin’ these ashes for the times I did the least I could git away with when I shoulda and coulda done a heap more. Fer the days I’se mewlin’ around thinkin’ about what I did not have when I have such a wealth of love and light and laughter that I need ter count my blessin’s, but was blind to ’em. These ashes keep me from flights of fancy about my own worthiness.

“Why Lent is a time we’uns is called away from our self-absorption, excesses, and petty complaints about each 0ther. We’uns is called out of our dark lairs, out of our comfort zones, out of the moldy corners where we hide what we don’t want to admit about ourselves–Ya’ could say Lent is a house cleanin’! We are called in from the cold, off the moor, out of alienation, away from the precipice…..invited to come sit by warmth and light of the hearth, be kind to our neighbor, do good to our crotchety boss, forgive our mother-in-law, encourage the fainthearted, console the grieving….see how we can be good and useful to those around us.

“These ashes remind me that I did not make myself …

a certain aunty belle wrote this … on mardi gras. sure … we all know mardi gras – which means ‘fat tuesday.’ and which really is the party to end all parties …. before the more serious and contemplative lenten season descends upon us. but …. do those of us who believe (or even sort of believe) really stop and think about exactly how lent translates itself … manifests itself in our everyday existence?

i have been around this place for over a year now. and have known you all in some capacity or another. but … in all my self absorbed, dark-stroking, alienated and arrogant posturing … i failed to know you, really. the simplest … most obvious little details, little hints of you … that fell within my grasp throughout this past year … i am ashamed to admit i did not see these. i, roxanne, who does not miss a beat, or so they say. and i have been blind. to the splendour that’s so close, its gonna poke me in the eye! weeeeellll … the dawn breaks … AND … i see … little by little. ever-so-slowly. i see.

thank you all. as i battle my own crazy-making demons, i want to be a better blogging neighbor … friend … human … and … helper to you all. the cravings for the drug are strong. they are purely emotional. pyschological … they leave me feeling like the little child that’s been deserted. i know i am not that child. and i am certainly anything but alone. still, the funk of all that is lurking.

my rosary sits on the windowsill. like some sort of talisman or dreamcatcher. will it catch the bad energy and spirits? only if i use it. [here’s a confession – when i am in the throws of physical pain … or abject fear … i unconsciously begin reciting the “hail mary …” – its not even a conscious choice i make. its something i just do.] when i venture outside … i gaze up at our lady of the holy rosary. perched way up high, on the grand stone wall of the cathedral … centred between the bell towers. she’s wearing her golden crown and she’s clutching her golden rosary. i gaze … and wonder … and contemplate. in wonderment. and awe. i sometimes do not know that i know what i believe.

what i believe. what i believe? its …. all of YOU.
and … also, that dog is g-d backwards.
and … that this is not a coincidence.
for, a sacred, special spirit lurks within dog.
a portrait of my late ‘brownie’
artist: laura pelick

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~ by frizzyscissorhands on February 27, 2007.

11 Responses to “the blindness of abundance”

  1. i like your new profile pic! the doe.
    well you have good company in lent…no intoxicants of any kind for me. goodbye tequila! grrherha! im glad you found auntys post. she would be too but i dont know if she will know, i think she gave up blogging for lent.

    this post is a prayer answered. keep fighting for your spirit, the pay off is tremendous. and if you arent sure what you believe or stumble, be kind to yourself, and start fresh again. trust that you are loved. because you are. xo

  2. the doe. they (does, stags) are truly beautiful.

    i read about your lenten sacrifice @ aunty’s. wow … good on you. and aunty – giving up blogging’ for 40 whole days and nights? whew. that’s a biggie!

    i admire youse for what your givin up … even just for a few weeks. this post … a prayer answered? that is a lovely thing to say, GN. you inspire me … to reclaim my spirit. sounds corny, perhaps, but its so true.

    sistah … i thank you for your love. and encouragement. i return it to you many-fold. if only we were closer.

    i revisited your old GN posts – just about every single one. your posts about eva touched me, tho i had read them before. they remind me … how special loving friends/companions truly are.

    love to you …. and hugs ….

  3. You know friend…I send my best.
    I need to read Aunty’s blog now-
    but it will have to keep until tomorrow-

    Hugs to you Roxanne- and K9- both dear to me in special ways 🙂

  4. I used to be Catholic..I wrote about how being born that way didn’t make much of a difference to me..It was merely images..rituals..latin recitations on special occasions) and gawd..the novenas they made us kids do!..hee!hee!..

    When I married, my hubby and I was invited to join a fundamental Christian service..Well..we were young..the speaker was intoxicating..and he lived well..so we got hooked..

    Later on we moved to a different local..so we had to say goodbye to that church. We attended a different bigger church this time. Evangelical. Nice music..nice seminars..nice organizations..nice coffee..nice cookies..lots of food..dinners at different houses…would you believe I even became a marriage counselor?..ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!..shivers to this!..gawd! I was so pompous arrogant with all dogmatic knowledge..I even have a certificate to prove that I went through all the foundations class…yeehah!..Theology meeh!…

    Then one day. I got tired..and I said..why can’t I dress this way hah?…Why can’t I drink when I want to and not having to be judged as loose?…and what’s this thing about oral sex being of the devil??..whaaaaat eh??? ( lol!..shhhhh)

    The I saw everything for what it is…control…control…

    I love the church..the real one…the one composed of people who love others whether of Christian or any faith..I believe this in my heart that God leads us the best way…He does not wish for anyone to be lost…

    So..now..I find meaning in spirituality…the true one..the one that gives me freedom to hang a cross on my door..the one that lets me love St’ Julian of Norwich..the one that affords me the freedom to enter any sanctuary….

    everything..the rituals..the prayers..now have meaning to me…

    God is inside our hearts…He never leaves…This is my only belief…

    wait..did I just say that?…belief?…wow..

    Now I do have a belief…

  5. God is inside our hearts…He never leaves…

    well put. i believe that. and so if we do not feel g=d or see him … in ourselves it is because we are blinded … or just not looking with the right persective.

    thanx for sharing …. and i agree about the control thing. i think that is when organized religion becomes like politics – humans posturing to gain status and control over others.

    this control struggle – i cannot believe its a manifestation of g-d … or jesus. its … once again, we humans have managed to screw things up some what.

  6. the Church is not a building, it is a collection of people…. a group.

    spirituality and religion are two very separate things

    and great coffee and cookies are one thing, but having to give up oral sex is a TOTAL dealbreaker

    Move on Luxie…. “Fo ‘Sho!!

  7. STILL NO PACKAGE!???????

    HA-RUMPH!!!!!!!!!

  8. Interesting post, I’m a newcomer to your blog, so not sure what’s central.

    You refer to the sense of abandonment. That’s a biggie. I think there’s a sense in which we are both God-forsaken – and not. The cross means different things to different people, but for me its chief meaning is in this area.

  9. paul – interesting …. tying the cross and its meaning to that sense of g-d-forsakenness we sometimes feel. i wonder tho, are we indeed g-dforsaken, or do we just forget to let Him in?

    i think of the picture … likely you seen it … of jesus at the door there is no handle on his side of the door … and so he cannot enter unless we open the door to let him.

    possibly i am way off … but that is what this makes me think. and abandonment … its an interesting phenomenon stemming from … self absorption … perhap?

    i dunno .. just my thoughts after 6 hours’ straight counting of books, stationary @ the big university bookstore … urgh – not all brain cells function @ this time! lol. thanx for your thoughts and your visit.

    infini – i agree about the church being a group of people … just as lux said earlier. re: oral sex … perhaps someone should tell all those dirty old men who masquaraded as priests. brothers, etc …. all those years? lol.

    the mail is slow … it takes a piece of mail over 5 business days to get from manitoba to here … ! so … it will take twice as long to get your mail. don’t know why its sooooo slow. just is.

  10. well, it take 2 weeks to get from one side of the country to the other here.

    first the postal workers need to smoke some meth, watch some porn, take 3 vacation days to recuperate and then write each other memos on who should have to process the package….

    but when i send something overseas?

    it takes like, 4 days.
    (unless it’s a package… then it vanishes)

    WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT????

  11. i know. its the same here. it takes like, 13 days for a letter to get from here to calcutta. and 7 days from bern, swizerland to here (and that was a passport application processed, complete with delivery of said passport in 7 days!).

    and then it takes, like, 9 days for a letter to get from here to Atlanta and vise versa, and it takes, 5 or 6 days to get from here to manitoba and the reverse. wierd.

    why does it take less time to get a letter from switzerland than from atlanta? i don’t get it.

    yeah. i think its because they are all smoking meth and crack and watching porn and other movies they rip off from the mail! the only time mail i sent got ripped off is when i sent movies. huh! go figure.

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