a curse of sorts?

*i am quite pre-occupied with school deadlines, having three in a span of just as many weeks. i have almost reached the end of deadline purgatory … then i shall return to participating more fully in the blogosphere. missing you all, if you still bother to visit this site … know i’m thinking of y’all … here’s something i wrote in may and never published …*

a family curse, perhaps? perhaps. mental illness, thy name spells mystery … and cursed, searing pain. not the simple, physical kind. oh, no … i speak of the more elusive, the insidious, mental, spiritual, emotional sort of pain — anguish. desperate anguish. the type of interior sensation that will eat you alive … the type over which a vulnerable, frail psyche has no control.

a maternal uncle had a labotomy in the 1940s. that’s what the course of treatment consisted of, for the ills of emotions and the psyche, in those days. just cut out a piece of their brains – they don’t need that part anyhow. of course, i don’t have to tell you that it only exacerbated the problem.

my maternal grandmother had the curse, too. i recall her energy as feeling quite morose, quite ‘heavy’ of spirit. i do not recall ever seeing her smile. a soul in torment, i believe. mother speaks of grandmother simply having these times when she ‘took to the bed,’ leaving grandfather to tend to the household and the five kids. recall, this is @ in the late 1920s, the 30s, 40s and 50s. not typically an era in which men did anything domestic.

in fact … all of her children have the curse … the darkness … the beast that feeds on souls. lifestyle – a cummulative manifestion of choices and attitude taken through out the course of one’s life – appears to influence the severity of the beast’s affect upon daily living. in my humble opinion … i’m sure those of whom i speak would vehemently disagree. of course … of course they would.

my mother. waged life-long struggles with the beast. some she won. many she lost. and her children … all touched by this darkness. in some manner of speaking. and … history repeats itself. lifestyle remains strongly related to the beast’s strength and his influence on daily living. how does this pattern get disrupted? can we disrupt it? i wrote in an email to a dear friend recently that i believe mental illness/imbalance has a spiritual original, in addition to a physiologic origin. if we change our spiritual behaviour patterns, can we shrink the beast?

EDIT:
can the spirit provoke changes in physiology? do some of us require chemical assistance, to tame the beast? or, to tame those external visions – (i.e. = pathological awareness/channeling of external energies)? i summarize my eccentric Self by writing, ‘i know things and i don’t know how i know them.’ this knowledge frightens me sometimes … sometimes thrusts me in deep black pools of despair … sometimes compels me to drown my spirit in comfortable numbness. and still, as a stoner the sense remained. though the visions had less clarity and intensity.

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~ by frizzyscissorhands on July 4, 2007.

3 Responses to “a curse of sorts?”

  1. i think that calling it a curse just gives it more power.

    you are very astute though.

    *big hugs and stuff*

  2. I dunno, if you really feel that you have been cursed, then you might be able to gain some power over what seems to be a family-wide depression. However you see it, I know how debilitating it can be.

    The lobotomy thing just drives me up the wall. The hubris of doctors, the and now, has always been lauded as confidence.

  3. infini ~ sometimes it feels that powerful. other times, not so. all the same, its there. still, i sometimes think its some sort of manfestation of some sort of spiritual malaise.

    x-dell~ self medication. that’s the key. and running, not walking in the very OPPOSITE direction of any shrink. hubris. precisely. it infuriates me. b/c they behave like fucking gods, those damned docs.

    that lobotomy ~ yet another case where the ‘cure’ ends up becoming an affliction in and of itself. grrrr. what a life destroyer. what brutes! ah, but that’s the history of psychiatry, isn’t it? brutality.

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