my fever-addled brain

massacre of the innocents by giovanni pisano

that’s the sort of visions a saw last nite (thursday), whenever i closed my eyes, in the throes a surreal, fever-driven panic. fever + panic attack = bad night. its weird, how one moment you feel only as though ‘coming down with something’ … and then the next, you feel as though someone has dragged you into the 5th circle of hell. one has awareness of one’s illness … however, when the full impact of sickness strikes, we cannot feel prepared. and … what a wonder of physiology – pyrexia. a simple matter of a few degrees hotter delineates the line that separates sanity from insanity. feeling simultaneously hot and cold. feeling abject terror and sadness ~ at once. but those visions … and accompanying voices … nothing worse. each time i grasped sleep, the visions, voices and then the panic elephant awoke me. i felt like i had an elephant sitting on my chest. it took me at least an hour, and every pillow in the house, to build a pillow tower on the sofa so i could sleep sitting up. alas, i only wanted to put my head down. but the panic made my soul wanna jump out of my body. i fell asleep with the rosary in my grip. i can’t remember having a worse night. really. talk about the dark night …. grrrr. me hates being sick.

yeah. so … roxanne has some weird pneumonia.


~ by frizzyscissorhands on August 18, 2007.

7 Responses to “my fever-addled brain”

  1. Mantissa, sorry to hear you got so sick.

    I developed half a goatee of purple pain on the left side of my chin. I have residual muscle pain on my neck muscles and a decreasing headache.

    I send my best wishes for a speedy recovery from your bad health spell.

  2. I wish you a speedy recovery. I need to send you a poem I wrote based on the death of the innocents from the NT. I posted it on Bloodlessness ages ago. It’s called Ramah.

  3. piktor ~ poor you! my pain pales in comparison to the sound of yours. and thanx ~ after that horrible fever-horror nitemare and the aftermath the next day … i am starting to feel better. as long as i keep the fever away … i can function.

    susan – please do. its weird, about the pic for this post. i googled “fever” for images and scrolled thru the choices until i came to this one … this is what i saw and heard in my fever-fuelled visions. tho, when i was seeing it i didn’t know that.

    the head congestion isn’t that bothersome … just the chesty cough is … i walked a few blocks down hastings and then pender, to my favourite used bookstore … just a tiny walk and i was winded (ok there was a hill i had to climb) – pathetic, huh?

    i think books must have some healing properties (indirectly, even) … that visit to the store regenerated me a great deal – don’t feel so tired as i did earlier in the day. i found a cheap copy of st. augustine’s confessions and also sylvia path’s the bell jar …not bad for a convalescing, is it?

  4. Mantissa, actually I’ve had a fever similar to yours and this purple misshap of mine does not compare. It sounds bad but actually it looks bad but I don’t feel bad.

    A sleepless overnight fever, that’s really bad. I’ve never forgotten that whopper. Rest as much as possible.

  5. I had something very similar happen to me once when I had a Migraine. I couldn’t get out of bed all day and I was very nauseated. Finally, I went to the hospital and they gave me sone kind of drug. I don’t know what it was, they gave it to me through an IV and it was a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory. But I don’t think it had anything to do with the drug, it probably had to do with pressure on my brain, but it was awful! I started crying. I saw the world like some sort of a giant grave yard with aeons of dead people inside of it, making up the soil, in the water in the plants. And the worst thing of all is that no-one remembered who they were. I felt very insignificant as as though life didn’t really matter. Very strange. It lingered for several days. Probably the worst feeling I have ever had before.

  6. Before this post, the word ‘pyrexia’ wasn’t in my vocabulary, so I looked it up. Poor dear. I hope you feel better soon. That’s gotta be a pain in more way than the several you mentioned.

    Can we cheer you up? Sing you a song? Tell you a joke?

  7. x-dell ~ you know, at that time, what i wished for? my mummy to sing to me. silly, huh? a grown woman, and the first thing i wish for when i’m sick is my mummy. the fever’s gone now … the nasty cough remains.

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